Yuffie Needs a Job; And college training
by DarkDude
Summary: My second fic, and also my second attempt at humor. Horrible just as well, maybe not as bad as LATNCI, but still really bad. Read this if you are stupid, like me.
1. Chapter One

Yuffie Need Jobs  
  
Legal Junk: First off I'm not an employee of Square, nor do I own Square, and I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and I don't own any of the characters here.  
  
Authors Note: You know what, only one stinking person read my last story. So I decided to write another! Weird how the mind works. Oh yeah, I'm really bad at humor, so... flame me all you want! R+R, and if you don't, I'll hunt you down.  
  
-One Month After End of Game-  
  
Yuffie was broke. She had spent all her gil on buying materia, items, armor, weapons, ect. before the showdown between Sephiroth and the gang. So after a month of partying, speeches, wild butt sex, alcohol, and drugs, it was all over. She was broke. Completely. Sure, she wasn't as broke as the bums in Midgar, and she could still afford to buy herself food, but she still needed a job, cuz money doesn't grow on trees.  
  
Yuffie: It doesn't?! *Drops a pair of pruning shears* Ah crap! Now I really need a job.  
  
Of course, Yuffie didn't graduate from college. Instead she spent her whole life in Wutai, scheming to be a thief.  
  
Yuffie: Not scheming! Just...Training.  
  
Whatever. Anyways, Yuffie had no education, so first things first, Yuffie was going to college. Being the stupid bitch that she is ...  
  
Yuffie: Hey!  
  
Being the stupid bitch Yuffie is, she had to go to Community College of Midgar.  
  
Yuffie: Its not THAT bad.  
  
Oh yes it is. Anyways, she decided to major in Health and Medicine.  
  
Yuffie: I'm gonna be a doctor and make shitpiles of money! Hehehehehe...  
  
So one day, Yuffie went to Midgar and enrolled in college. She was assigned to Building C, dormitory 142. After walking around and becoming lost, and finally finding her way, she opened the door to find her roommate...  
  
Yuffie: What the freaking hell?! Tifa?!  
  
Tifa: Use of that language could only mean my roommate is...Yuffie. Ah shit! Why cant they make this college co-ed?  
  
Yuffie: I wish they'd make this college animal free, so I wouldn't be paired with you.  
  
Tifa: Yup, being the stupid bitch you are.  
  
Yuffie: Why does everyone call me that?!  
  
Because you are. Continuing on... Yuffie's first class was sped math, and naturally, being the sped she is, Yuffie was excited.  
  
Yuffie: *Arriving in classroom* Heeeey everyone...wait...is this special education?  
  
Teacher: Yes. Are you miss Yuffie Kisargi (Or however you spell it)?  
  
Yuffie: Yes, but, um, this is the wrong class. There are only retarded kids in here, no special people.  
  
Teacher: Yuffie! We refer to them as special, hence the meaning...  
  
Yuffie: Hence?  
  
Teacher: Hence the meaning special education. I bet you are special in your own way too.  
  
Yuffie: *Realizes what the special in special education means* Oh shit! I'm not that stupid!  
  
Teacher: No, you're just learning impaired. Now sit down. Your desk partner-  
  
Yuffie: What is this?! Fourth grade?! Desk partners?!  
  
Teacher: Yuffie, calm down! We made this at the fourth grade level for special kids.  
  
Yuffie: They aren't special...  
  
Teacher: Shut up! Yes they are! And your desk partner is -  
  
Tifa: *Just walks into the door* Sorry, I got confused and went into the men's bathroom instead of this classroom.  
  
Teacher: That's quite alright. Your desk partner, Tifa, is Miss Yuffie here.  
  
Tifa and Yuffie: Crap!  
  
-Chapter 2/More of chapter 1 to come later!- 


	2. Chapter Two

-Chapter 2-  
  
Teach: Okay class, today you'll be learning long division.  
  
Yuffie: Isn't that what calculators are for?  
  
Teach: Yes, but you are all too stupid, apparently, to be able to use a calculator.  
  
Tifa: No I'm not! Watch! *She takes out a pocket calculator, and presses a few buttons, and starts giggling like a schoolgirl*  
  
Teach: May I ask what is so interesting?  
  
Tifa: *Turns the calculator upside-down, showing her number. It is 55378008, and turned over, spells boobless. Tifa points the calculator at the teacher, indicating that the teacher is boobless* Where is your boobies, huh teach?! Ahahaha, teacher doesn't have any boobies! *Giggles*  
  
Yuffie: *Starts giggling too*  
  
Teach: *sighs* Well, Tifa, the reason that I'm, ah, 'boobless'  
  
Tifa and Yuffie: *Giggle* Hehehehe...  
  
Teach: Is because I'm a man. Men don't have boobs.  
  
Tifa: So? Where is your boob?! *Giggle*  
  
Yuffie: Yeah! Palmer had boobies! But you don't! Where is your boob?  
  
Tifa and Yuffie: Teach needs boobs! Teach needs boobs!  
  
Class: Teach needs boobs! Teach needs boobs!  
  
Teach: Ahh! Be quiet! All of you!  
  
*Class quiets down*  
  
Teach: *Chugs a bottle of aspirin* Okay...I'm better. This is how you do long divi-Ouch! Hey! Who did that?! *Turns around and picks up a spit wad*  
  
Yuffie: It was Tifa! Tifa!  
  
Tifa: *sticks tongue at Yuffie* Tattletale! Tattletale, tattletale, go to jail!!!  
  
Yuffie: I'm not a tattletale!  
  
Tifa: Am too!  
  
Yuffie: Am not!  
  
Tifa: Am too times infinity!  
  
Yuffie: Am not times infinity plus one!  
  
Tifa: Am too am too am too am too am too am too am too am too!  
  
Yuffie: Am not am not am not am not am not am not am not am not am not!  
  
Tifa: Am too am t---  
  
Teach: SHUT UP!!!! Ugh...Class is dismissed, get out. Get out!  
  
Tifa: Ha! I won!  
  
Yuffie: Nuh uh!  
  
Tifa: Uh huh!  
  
Yuffie: Nuh uh!  
  
Tifa: Uh huh!  
  
Yuffie: Nuh uh!  
  
Tifa: Uh huh!  
  
Yuffie: Nuh uh!  
  
Tifa: Uh huh!  
  
Teach: Shut up! You're both stupid!  
  
Tifa: No you're stupid!  
  
Teach: Ugh...  
  
Tifa: No YOU'RE stupid!  
  
Chapter 3-Coming Soon! (In progress) 


	3. Chapter Three

-Chapter 3: Back in the dorm-  
  
Tifa and Yuffie went back into their dorm after their first 'stressful' day of college.  
  
Tifa: I showed that stupid teacher, huh Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: Yeah! Since you won, you get to make us dinner! Yay!  
  
Tifa: Yay! Wait...Isn't that a bad thing?  
  
Yuffie: Uh...No, cooking, and especially cleaning, is fun!  
  
Tifa: O.K! *Starts cooking*  
  
Yuffie: *Sits down and looks through Tifa's stuff* Heeey...What's this?  
  
Tifa: Eep! Don't look through that!  
  
Yuffie: *Takes out a Cloud shrine* Ew...You're sick in the head, you know that?  
  
Tifa: Pheww...I mean, gosh darn, you found it.  
  
Yuffie: Wait...what's this?! *Takes out a girl porno mag*  
  
Tifa: Oh shit...  
  
Yuffie: You're a lesbo?  
  
Tifa: Yeah.  
  
Yuffie: I would've never guessed.  
  
Tifa: You a lesbo too? Wanna go at it in the closet?  
  
Yuffie: As tempting as it sounds...Um...  
  
Tifa: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?  
  
Yuffie: Ew no! Gross!  
  
Tifa: Um...Just...Kidding, jeez. I'm not REALLY a lesbo...that mag is uh, Cloud's...  
  
Yuffie: Then why does it say 'Property of Tifa Lockheart' on the cover?  
  
Tifa: Um...cause...I'd better finish cooking! Oh no! The...uh...casserole is starting to burn!  
  
Yuffie: Jesus! Not the casserole!  
  
As it turns out, the casserole DID burn. But, Tifa, being the stupid ah...brunette that she is, thought it was supposed to be black, crispy and charred. Henceforth, Tifa developed a strong sense of cooking, and dropped all classes two days after and decided to become a cook. But during those two days...  
  
Chapter 4-Coming soon! You monkey beans! 


	4. Chapter Threeve...Er Four

-Chapter 4-  
  
-Next Day of College-  
  
Tifa: Hey Yuffie, I think I'm gonna quit college and become a chef.  
  
Yuffie: Why? You're really bad at it.  
  
Tifa: I figure, if I feed one person for a day, then he'll eat for one meal. If I feed a man for a week, he'll eat good for life!  
  
Yuffie: That made no sense.  
  
Tifa: It made a ton of sense. You're just stupid.  
  
Yuffie: No you're stupid!  
  
Tifa: No YOU'RE stupid!  
  
Yuffie: Whatever. Anyways I have to go and buy a book for college math. Wanna come along?  
  
Tifa: Sure!  
  
Tifa and Yuffie walked to the already-used-for-fifty-years bookstore, and found the math book Yuffie required.  
  
Yuffie: Here it is! Long division for dummies.  
  
Tifa: Hahahaha! You're a dummy!  
  
Yuffie: Uh...no! Shut up! Be quiet! I'm not a dummy!!!  
  
Tifa: Then what's fifteen divided by three?! Huh?!  
  
Yuffie: Um...Threeve?  
  
Tifa: Nice try, but you're too stupid to know its V! Ha! Fifteen divided by three is V!  
  
Yuffie: Shut up! Shut up! Just let me buy my book you smarty pants! At least I don't wear orthopedic underwear!  
  
Tifa: *sniff* that's...a sensitive subject...  
  
Yuffie: Uh huh. *Walks over to cashier* I'll take this book.  
  
Tifa: How much money do you have???  
  
Yuffie: I have threeve dollars and V cents.  
  
Tifa: That should be enough.  
  
Cashier: That'll be $16.03  
  
Yuffie: *Hands her 5 threeve dollar bills*  
  
Cashier: Uh...What IS this?  
  
Yuffie: Homemade money!  
  
Cashier: Right...*Frantically presses the silent alarm* Damn! Stupid thing is broken!  
  
Yuffie: Well if you wont take that, then how about this? *Gives cashier two ten-dollar bills*  
  
Cashier: *Hands back 3 single bills, 2 quarters, 5 dimes and 3 Canadian pennies*  
  
Yuffie: Dear...G...G...od... *walks out of the store trembling and shaking*  
  
Tifa: What's wrong?  
  
Yuffie: She gave me 3 Canadian pennies! Not American pennies, CANADIAN pennies!  
  
Tifa: So?  
  
Yuffie: I just lost a cent! She ruined my day! It was perfect until that BITCH HAD TO GIVE ME THREE CANADIAN PENNIES!!!  
  
Tifa: Who cares?  
  
Yuffie: I do! I'm gonna go inside, and beat her skanky ass down! *Runs inside and gets the cashier lady into a headlock* Stupid piece of shit! Giving me Canadian pennies! WELL CANADIAN THIS BITCH! *Shakes the cashier around violently with the headlock*  
  
Tifa: Stop it Yuffie! I see one of dem silent alarms!  
  
Yuffie: Your dumb! You can't SEE silent alarms, you have to HEAR them!  
  
Tifa: Oh yes I do! Look! *Points to a sale sign outside the window* It says alarm! And it's silent too!  
  
Yuffie: You're stupid! *Drops the lady* Let me show you what it says! *Drags Tifa outside and shows her that instead of Alarm, it says '50% The Alamo: A historical novel'* See! It's the Alambamabo! Not alarm! Can't you read?!  
  
Cashier: *Stands up shakily, rubbing her neck, and grabbing a chair, slams it into Yuffie's back knocking her down* Bitch! Let's see you headlock THAT!  
  
Me (Narrator): Welcome to FF7 Bitch Slapdooooooooooooooown! On the right, under the sign, weighing in at nearly 120 lbs, and standing only 5'7, it's Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuffie Kisaragi! (Or whatever) On the left, a disgruntled high school dropout, weighing in at an outstanding 250 lbs, yet only 5'2, its theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee cashier! Lets get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeee! Taking the first move, Yuffie bitch-slaps the cashier, sending her flying into the window! Cashier doesn't take it well, and grabs a bag of sand and sends it flying-ON YUFFIES HEAD! Oh! That's GOTTA hurt! Yuffie retaliates by doing a double backhand cleaning bitchslap! That is where she raises both her hands forming an X, kisses the back of them, and slaps the opponent at the same time with both of them! Usually used after a harsh- brake up, or when in Richard Simmon's audience! Lets see that again! In slow motion! Ooh! There is the point of contact! Look at the pissed off rage glaring in the cashier's eye! What could this ignite? Possibly an outrageously cheap can of gasoline stored in the back, and the cashier ran inside in record time, and the cashier throws it at Yuffie! Then, lighting a match, throws it at the can. Being as she is a high school dropout, she fails to remember that the plastic container of the can is not flammable! Nice try though! Yuffie, being even more stupid, picks up the match and drops it in the gasoline, which is RIGHT NEXT TO HER! The cashier flies back, smashes down a wall, and is engulfed by dust! Yuffie flies back and uses the silicone (Yes they ARE fake!) breasts of Tifa to absorb the shock, and to fill a lesbian fantasy of Tifa's! Not intentionally, but there, she did it! Using this chance as a break, both of them run away!  
  
-Back at Dorm-  
  
Yuffie: Phew! I haven't fought like that since...um...Well since I argued with Cloud that you can taste colors!  
  
Tifa: Yeah, totally! You can SOOOO taste colors! Just this morning, I tasted the color orange in orange juice!  
  
Yuffie: You're stupid.  
  
Tifa: You're stupid!  
  
Chapter Five: Coming soon!  
  
Authors short and lengthy note: Hey! Thanks everyone for reading this, um, I hope its funny. I may be funny, but then again, looks aren't everything! Please, pretty pretty preeeeetty please write your review, or something. Most of the stuff here is based on stuff that actually happened from my life (Canadian Penny, threeve dollars, ect.) and um.that's about it. Oh yeah, I'm almost done with the college section of this story. Pretty soon Yuffie will work at McRonalds! Yay! Well, peace, Im outtie.  
  
~][)ark][)ude~ 


End file.
